Parenting
Today we are looking at what Proverbs says on parenting. This might be the most intimidating topic I have ever taught on. There was a day when I would have been quite confident to teach on parenting, quite confident that I understood how to raise kids, and quite confident of how to handle every and any situation that arose. Then I had kids and quickly threw away all of my notes.
Parenting is hard, but it is also one of the greatest blessings in life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And I don’t know where I would be as a parent without God’s word. Anything I have to say that is of value on parenting has come from this book.
Let’s look at some principles for parenting.
Instruct Your Children
Parenting is hard, but also extremely rewarding. So neat sharing some of the first moments with your kids. The first time they realize what a light switch does, the first time they realize the water comes out of the hose, or the first time they realize they can grab that hose and spray Dad. First time they realize what a yield sign means as they are failing to yield to another car. Going outside in the woods and picking grapes and spitting the seeds on each other. Teaching them how to properly roast a marshmallow on the campfire.
The book of Proverbs is the instruction of a father to his son. It repeatedly exhorts the children to listen to their parents’ instructions. It expects parents to teach and instruct their kids. The whole purpose of the Book of Proverbs is to impart wisdom to children. Common refrain “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction” (Prov. 1:9).
My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life (Prov. 6:20–23).
Kids don't come into the world knowing everything they need. They need to learn it, and one of the primary teachers will be their parents. If you have kids then one of your primary responsibilities in life is to teach and instruct your kids. Don’t think that kids are to be self-raising kids. They need you–your care, your guidance, your protection, your instruction–on everything.
Parents are to teach. Kids, listen to your parents’ instruction.
But there is certainly more that we are to teach them besides how to roast a marshmallow. Notice how this passage in Proverbs parallels a familiar passage from Deuteronomy 6.
And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise (Deut. 6:6–7).
One of the primary things we should teach our kids is God’s word. Instruction. Torah the instructions of the Lord.
This is one of the greatest things we can do for our kids. Many people long for substance in life. Something to pass on to another. We have that in the word of God.
We instruct them sitting down in the living room reading the Bible, but we also instruct them as we are out doing life. Proverbs does not take us to the theological classroom, but rather into the theater of the world to see God at work. And Proverbs doesn't advocate for sheltering, but for instructing. Giving them life lessons.
I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense, and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns; the ground was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down (Prov. 24:30–31).
For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword (Prov. 5:3–4).
Life is theology in action. Proverbs looks wide-eyed at life and sees God at work in all of it. It sees the hand of God at work in the world, the outworking of his promises, of his warnings, of our design and the course of the actions we should take. Proverbs is connected to real life.
The key to wisdom is the fear of the Lord, the key to walking wisely is seeing the Lord in everything, the key to parenting is fearing the Lord and seeing him in everything.
Talking with others about our relationship with God is the deepest form of human relationship there is. The parent-child relationship, or any relationship, becomes more superficial when you lack this. God intends parents to instruct their children in his ways. This has always been God’s plan. It is the primary need of children. You can't outsource it. You don't want to outsource it. The world tells you making more money is what is most important and what will prove your legacy; don't get duped by the world. Don't trade your kids for a career. Show them they are more important. Trust God.
Parents, God’s word has solutions for all of life’s problems. Parenting brings you special access to the development of another person. Don’t miss those moments! Sometimes your kids come crying to you because they are sad and feel hopeless for something they did, and you talk with them about how we have a fallen sinful nature, but God loves us and sent his son to redeem us. Those are powerful lessons in understanding Christian theology, and powerful times where you see God’s word giving you something of substance to share with your kids.
If you do not go deep in understanding the faith you will have little to give others.
Be intentional with what is framing the way you view the world, and with what is framing the views of your children. Most will spend an hour at church each week, and then 21 hrs a week on their phone, being shaped over and over again by the views of the world. Most parents over protect their kids physically, and then under protect them virtually, and the virtual world is instructing them on everything.
Discipline Your Children
Proverbs speaks of disciplining your children. This one is hard for our ears today, yet it is extremely important for us today. You need to hear this to bring balance to contemporary voices. In past generations the authority structure of the family was much more prominent. Potentially to the detriment of emotional health. Today there is so much emphasis on emotional health that there is no authority structure in most families. The fear of the Lord keeps a man from both extremes. Emotional needs. Structural needs.
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him (Prov. 13:24).
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol (Prov. 23:13–14).
Our culture does not like authority, we don’t like being authorities. One of the places where this is most clearly seen is in our discomfort with authority in the home (Ted Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, 1995).
Too many times today the people running the show are the kids. The kids determine what is and is not done. They determine what is and is not a priority. There are times you have to say no, and if you are not willing and able to do that you are not being a parent. There are times you have to correct your kids, and even punish them for what they did.
Can I say it this way? Parents, you need to be a parent. You need to provide structure and boundaries, and if boundaries are crossed then there are consequences. God calls you to show that to your kids. Boundaries are good and they show what is important and what is not to be crossed. They provide structure, and kids need this. They need to see there is more to life than getting their way all the time.
Your kids need you to correct them. They need nurture and they need direction and discipline. It is an incredible privilege.
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him (Prov. 22:15).
You are not there to just be a bud, or to be the cool uncle. No, you need to guide them, you need to correct them. If you can’t say no to your kids then something is wrong. You need to look at the dumb and foolish things they do and say no, that is not right. If you do that there are consequences. They learn from that.
The word “rod” is a piece of shepherding equipment. It spoke of a shepherd using the rod to guide the sheep. It is used here in the role of parents to guide their children. It is also used of the Lord in Psalm 23. The Lord disciplines his children.
Discipline is to be instructive.
Its intent is not to hurt the child. It is to help the child see what they should not do. Patience and care should be demonstrated, even when you discipline your kids.
People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness (Proverbs 14:29).
If you are disciplining your kids out of anger then you are missing what God calls you to. Pride will well up and spoil everything. If pride and selfishness is your motivation then your kids are going to see that real quick.
Discipline is not about our getting our needs met.
Or attaining our comfort, or ease, or our agenda. It is about the things of God. The goal is not to get them to do what I say. I want them to do the things God calls them to do and in the way he calls them to do it. I don't want them to get away with lying, stealing, disrespectful attitude.
There are instances of people punishing kids the wrong way. That doesn’t mean it is always wrong. You need to do it in a God-honoring way.
Discipline is about respect and responsibility.
Your kids should obey and honor you without your having to bribe or beg them. If you have to beg or bribe to get them to do anything then you have missed it.
Some of the times I was most frustrated with my kids were the times I was neglecting to do the things God calls me to do. Complete and utter chaos in the house. They were ignoring Amanda and me. Other kids were crying, and I was complaining about the lack of care going on, complaining to God, “These people you put around me sure are a problem.” And then it hit me, I was being lazy and passive in caring for, protecting my family. I was letting them destroy it. I need to be faithful with my responsibility.
I had to get them to see they can’t lie. They can’t disrespect mommy. They can’t run away when we are in the store. All of this was ultimately an opportunity to instruct their hearts and minds.
Some of the most healing moments we had were after we disciplined our kids. They learned and were contrite, my heart was sad for them, but I also knew they needed to learn. And we would go through the gospel: Jesus died for our sin. God didn’t just overlook our sin and say it’s not a big deal. There was accountability. But there is also love in that he laid down his life for us. That is amazing, and it helped our kids see how God took the discipline we deserved. The gospel holds it all together. The work of Christ is amazing.
Kids, God calls people to rule over his creation, and he will hold them accountable for it. You are going to have to learn how to live under the authority of others. There will never be a point when you do not have a boss. Everyone has a boss of some kind, and you will not always agree or like what they tell you to do. You will have to learn to do it anyway.
Honor your parents. You don't have to agree with everything they do, but you do have to honor them. Honor them even if they don’t honor you. Seek to respond to them respectfully. They have a hard job. You have to know that parenting you is hard. Pray for them. Love them. Encourage them. Your parents might need some encouragement. If you do that, they might be more receptive to your criticism in other areas.
Disciplining your kids requires you know your kids well.
I can’t give you a formula of “if this happens then do this, this, and this.” It won’t work. What we did for one kid didn't work for another kid. They are all different and you have to treat them differently.
Don’t just know stuff about them. Know what is going on. You are called to shepherd them, not order them around like a drill sergeant. There should be care and concern for them.
Know well the condition of your flocks, and give attention to your herds (Prov. 27:23).
If your flocks are tired then you shouldn’t push them hard. If they are going astray, you need to go after them. If a wolf is near, you need protection. A shepherd knows his sheep. A good parent knows their kids. Know what they need and what they don't. Know when to push them, know when to lay off. Know when to get on to them and when to come alongside and hug them, and whatever you do, don’t confuse the two.
One of our kids was going through a hard season in his teen years. We were all frustrated. He hadn’t done much of anything that I asked him, and he was discouraged. I decided he and I were going out for ice cream. God doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve. He is gracious despite what we do. This kid loves ice cream so I said, “Let’s me and you go get ice cream.” We had a blast. He didn’t need more discipline. He needed to know his parents cared for him.
God spoke to his people from Sinai and gave them commands, but he also came down to be with them, walk with them, to die for them. Jesus knows us. Cares for us. Scripture gives us two anchors for how we love and discipline children.
Prioritize Your Health
A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones (Prov. 17:22).
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones (Prov. 14:30, NIV).
A crushed spirit ruins everything. Prioritize your health, particularly your spiritual health. Your kids are going to be healthiest when you are healthy. They are going to be spiritually vibrant when you are spiritually vibrant. God first. Marriage second.
Establish healthy rhythms in your life. You are overworked, sleep deprived, malnourished and unappreciated, well past needing some extra training and encouragement. Prioritize your health–eat well, get some exercise, connect with others and take care of your spiritual needs. God created you to be in community, to be known and know others, to read his word with other believers, and to pray for others, showing love to them and serving one another. But too many today reject God’s plan and they are suffering for it. God’s rhythms for life, for rest, for refreshment, are meant to do us good. Your thriving in life will require establishing these.
The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones (Prov. 15:30).
Do you need some good news? I believe there is something somewhere in the Bible about something being good news. I believe there is something in there about all our sins being forgiven, I believe there is something in there about God working all things together for the good of those who love him. I believe there is something in there about God giving rest to those who come to him. I believe there is something in there of God giving wisdom to those who lack it. I believe there is something in there of God giving strength to those who are weak. I believe there is something in there about God renewing our minds and perspectives.
When we had our first child I had just finished seminary and was two weeks into an unexpected job twist that landed me in a corporate sales role. It was not what I thought. We were leading a small group that had ballooned to about 30-40 people. Getting to small group was hard, getting out the door and into the car felt like a test to overcome the darkside and all its empirical fighters. But we knew how much living our faith with others had helped us grow, to learn what discipleship meant, getting answers to the hard things in life, and we just made it a priority. That was one of the best decisions we have made.
Our kids grew up not just hearing about church, but seeing it lived out. Don't wear yourself out getting your kids to things that are not the most important priority. Set them an example of being committed to the right thing, the things that will develop them, lead them, guide them spiritually.
The times I least want to go are the times I most need to go. 70 year old man who walked every day.
Get Back Up When You Fail
For the righteous falls seven times and rises again (Prov. 24:16).
There is no questioning that parenting is hard. People tell you to avoid making decisions when you are stressed, under pressure, angry, or worn out. And when you parent you are always in this place. Not only that but sometimes we have the wrong priorities and we blow it in life, and your kids and others see you do it.
This proverb reminds us that we will fall, but we will rise again. Though the righteous falls seven times he will rise again. Why seven? Why not 10 or 100? Do you remember how much hotter king Nebuchadnezzer had his furnace heated? Seven. How many times did he increase Israel’s 70-year judgement? Seven. Seven is the number of perfection. It is a perfect and complete fall.
It is probably an allusion to the resurrection, that falling completely, even in death, we have hope to rise. If we have that hope then we also have hope to confront our failure, weaknesses, mistakes, and everything else that hurts but doesn't kill us. And that faith is something powerful to give to your kids, because they will have their own failures.
When you have blown it and failed to teach your kids the Lord’s instructions. When you have failed to discipline them, when you have failed to understand their emotions. When you have gone well past the point of being healthy and know it has affected your relationships. When life beats you down, get back up. Keep at it.
Know how powerful the words are, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” I need to say this to the Lord. I need to say it to my kids.
This is the role of a disciple. We should be followers of Jesus, helping others follow Jesus, and this is where the mission of the church will sharpen your parenting. If you are not following Christ you are going to have a hard time understanding your kids, their struggles and temptations. You are going to find it hard to both love and discipline them. You are going to have a hard time being in authority over them as one to be respected and yet also feel your own brokenness and insufficiency.
Parenting is going to break you and show you your need for mercy. For the good news of Jesus Christ. If you don’t know that, then you will feel parched.
Parenting will show you how unwise you are, and when we realize we are foolish, that we lack sense and ability and need help, that is when we become wise. We humble ourselves and begin to learn from God. And he calls us to come to him.
Discussion Questions
- What proverb on parenting is most helpful to you? How does this change or alter some of the parenting you have seen?
- What proverb seems most countercultural to you? Why is it so countercultural?
- How does Proverbs help you to “get back up” in areas you have not done well?
